In my last few posts, probably actually for the last few months, I have been hinting to how my mental health is not at 100% recently. Let us be real though and acknowledge that even when people look like they have it all together they are usually not mentally at 100% all of the time; no human can be despite all the motivational speeches about waking up and looking in the mirror every day of the week and reminding yourself of what you want to achieve and just getting out there and doing it.
Imagine if just getting out of bed to look in the mirror or make a cup of tea was that easy every morning let alone heading outside to achieve whatever your big life dream is. Sometimes making a cup of tea or having a shower and popping on fresh nightwear is as successful as a day is going to get and as long as we acknowledge those tiny little successes and try not to beat ourselves up to much (easier said then done) that is all okay.
I generally have a lot of my life sort of under control to people on the outside; I probably come close to falling under the high-functioning depressive category but that could be just because depression, anxiety and autism are really challenging to break apart and put certain manifestations down to one particular thing. But things have been pretty tough recently.
You might look at this blog post and see it dated February 22nd 2018 but, as a little secret, it was written on March 18th 2018 and backdated to not ruin the blogging schedule. I have spent today managing to pull together several posts but there were two scheduled days where a blog should be present that needed filling before the next two could go live and I figured it was time to address the issue here.
For me my blog is surprisingly important to me, even though I rarely chat about it in real life (only confuse friends by whipping my camera out at meal time) and increasingly I rarely share anything about it on social media (though this is partly linked to the internal shame of falling off the scheduling grid). I do not want there to be any gaps in my schedule for 2018 and even though my mind is frazzled I actually have so much content that can fill the gaps between where I left off and where I am mid-March that it seems such a waste to just let those days be silent. My blog has been one of my few constants over the last seven or so years I have had various sites and at various points of my life and the stability of it existing and content continuing to be produced matters to me.
So yes some of my posts will have passed by your feeds and they will not be loitering on my social media channels simply because the dates do not add up perfectly. This is something that I am starting to get back on track with and by the end of March, if not before, I should be back on schedule with posts going live on the intended date. If that does not happen though I am not going to beat myself up over it.
Attempting to maintain a schedule, by any means, is a big task in itself and especially when there are so many other things going on in life it is not so simple as sitting down on an evening after work and hammering at the keyboard. My attempts to make this continue to work and my dedication to the blog is enough to make me proud regardless of whatever follows.
In case anybody is concerned please note I am seeing various medical professionals about all of this and have an amazing group of friends, a caring partner, understanding family and a patient boss that are all helping me to weave my way through each day whilst also appreciating not every day I will be full of beans or able to interact like the me that sometimes pops out of the shell. Mental health is daunting, especially when you have been here before, but having a support network that actually gets it makes it so much less terrifying and helps to ease the mental burden and thoughts flying around in my brain.
Remember to be proud of yourself however small a certain task may seem. You are incredible for just managing to get through another day. I hope that next cup of tea or coffee you make tastes good and you get around to drinking it before it goes completely cold!