We need to talk. But this is not some rubbish about the birds and the bees or overcoming your first heartbreak. This is about me, understanding what I say and what I want from my life.
So often I am told these views will change or it is just how I feel now but I have jotted down my feelings everyday for nearly a year in a hidden diary to see how consistent they are. Regardless of the highs and lows that have come with my mental health and daily life in the last year these thoughts have remained the same but people rarely accept them as the truth (perhaps denial about them not really knowing me kicks in at this point).
People constantly have ideas about how they want your life to go and how they want you to slot into their perfect life and the minute your own ideas do not fit in they are sent into a spiral of confusion and self-doubt. None of the things I want or do not want in my life are aimed at causing other people sadness or pain they are simply my own wants. It is my life and I do not intend to make compromises on that (the nearest to a compromise I will get is having mature cheddar instead of Wookey Hole cave aged vintage cheddar).
On Children (or as I like to call them disgusting little annoying brats)
I hate children. And I do not use the word hate lightly here. Put one on the same bus as me and I just feel awkward being near them however quiet and well behaved they are.
They require so much attention and ask so many questions. God I hate the sound of myself having a gulp of water let alone a constant squeaky voice demanding attention and having the cheek to make any noise. I would be one of those parents everybody hates that tells the child to be quiet all the time and as I believe being a child is about being free and able to discover things the two just are not compatible.
The older I have got the more having kids scares me. Not just the idea of me hating looking at or hearing my own child but also because of the medical procedures I would have to go through first. To have a child I would have to have an operation on my heart first, allow my body to recover for about a year and then go through genetic screening and IVF etc. I do not want that. I want to put off my surgery for as long as possible and I do not want to spend several years of my life having to go careful and preparing just to have a child.
It sounds horrible but the older I get the more I dislike being around children. I resent people that are able to have a child without careful consideration for their own health (that’s right I resent all those people I grew up with that made my life hell because of my heart condition now rubbing their simple get pregnant and have a kid worry free life in my face). I want to be able to get on with living my life without constraints or considerations or limitations. I do not want my life to become theme parks for kids or pushing the swings every Saturday morning instead I want my life to be theatre press nights, agreeing to spontaneous meals out with friends or being able to take a last minute city break.
Nowhere in my five, ten, twenty or entire life plan is there a child involved. So please stop mentioning kids to me and stop thinking it might happen one day because it will not. This is my choice and everybody says I have seen enough and gone through enough of life to say I am an adult and at 22 the words coming out of my mouth are from the grown up me. Keep your kids away from me and leave me in peace cursing myself for gulping too loudly.
As a dweller in the South East for more than four years me and my trusty pair of purple Doc Martens (that have been with me this entire time) often go through phases of being torn about wanting to remain here.
I live just about as far out of London as you can get without travel becoming hugely restricted and Croydon itself has a variety of things to offer. Having so many theatres, new restaurants and places to visit just a train journey away is great and they provide me with a lot of chances to explore, discover things about myself and to blog/produce journalism about but everywhere is so busy and the noise is constant.
As touched upon on in my last point I hate the sound of almost everything. We live five minutes walk from a tram stop and yet I hear every beep of the doors opening and closing. I can hear people slamming the bin lid down in the houses opposite. Upstairs walking around and their washing machine hammering away on spin. Going into a restaurant I cannot focus on those at the table because the music is so loud and those around me are shouting. On the bus somebody rattles a crisp packet and the sound sends anger through my body. I hate being around noise and there being no way to escape it.
I grew up in small Yorkshire villages where a bus went past once in a blue moon and people kept themselves to themselves. The only real noise would be car doors slamming as people came and left for work and next doors kid kicking the ball against the back wall (do not even get me started on this – my desire to throttle him even when I was just 12 or 13 was obvious). But the main thing was being surrounded by fields and woods meant if things got too much you could just escape for a quiet five minutes and find some tranquility and so often I would get off the bus a stop early or take a different bus just to enjoy being surrounded by nothing for a few minutes.
And it is that I miss the most. It is not about Yorkshire itself or the landscape or the people but much more about the ability to escape. Whilst many things in my long term life plan might change depending on how my career develops it is clear to me that escaping the city and towns is an absolute must if I ever want to switch off, relax and feel truly at home with myself.
I love how busy London is and what it has to offer but it is a city that never sleeps and I am not programmed for that.
On Employment and My Career
Opportunities seem to have this habit of seeking me out. My career path has already had many twists and turns in it but right now I am settled in my operations job which includes social media and the odd bit of writing.
The one key thing about me is I need my days to be varied and whilst the tasks themselves can be the same the content needs to be slightly different and that is why I love my current job. The varied hours of my current job work well for me too as it allows me to fit different people and events in depending on when I am working.
As touched on in my last post working does make doing blogging and my own hobbies pretty tough and some days I basically only see my partner as I am falling into bed to go to sleep after a long day. Work is all consuming but that is not helped by my one track mind personality of having to excel at literally everything I touch.
I do not want to give the actual journalism and the blogging up and I do want to be able to find a balance to keep myself involved in those industries a bit more but without time to blog or to even write the news for work I struggle to imagine how it will be possible without all my skills fading away.
In my head I am a leader and I do want to run a team of people one day. My partner always says my creativeness and determination would make me a good leader or small business owner (which is strange to hear coming from a self-proclaimed communist..). But there is always that self doubt that having such control would put on far too much pressure to succeed and that I would end up micro managing everything.
This is the thing in my life I am least certain on. At 22 I do not want to rule anything out for my 50s. And besides the business industry, way companies operate and the jobs available are constantly changing. Who knows if “journalist” will even exist in ten years time to do it as a part time freelancing thing.
Let us be real here for a minute. You matter most. Look after yourself. We need to accept that the only person in life that cannot abandon us is ourselves (sure our body can fail and our mind can displace information but we are always stuck with ourselves). That little voice inside our heads needs to treat us kindly. We should do things for ourselves because of ourselves not because somebody tells us it would be good for us (such as losing weight – do it because you want to look or feel different not because people tell you it will solve all your woes).
But there are people in my life that matter to me as well. It is practically impossible to not have other people influencing your decisions because we always want to make others happy or proud and give them something to see for all their support.
When you have a partner and you live together decisions become what is best for us and how can we get over this hurdle but it is always important to speak up and share your own opinion and what the situation means to you. If you personally have strong views on something you should not compromise because you love somebody instead you should only compromise of you truly feel comfortable with it.
Making decisions, joint or individual, in my household is pretty simple but some people bounce questions and decisions back and forth for hours and it feels like you are witnessing the longest tennis match in history knowing one of them will end up tired and losing with nothing but exhaustion and mental aches to show for it.
And there are always people that we seek to make proud. For me the people I seek to make proud are dead (pretty grim I know) and that is difficult because I can never hear that voice to say I am doing okay and can cut myself a bit of slack for once. I take the day off work because I am ill and thoughts whizz through my head about how I am letting down all those people in my life. It is ridiculous. I guess it is a double edged sword though because they can never say they are disappointed in me either. The fear of the living is they can express their sadness and disappointment (I expect some heavy sighs from people reading my first topic in this post) and there is no running away from that.
We all want to achieve so much to help our parents and family and friends to be able to sit back and live stress free and with them being proud of you. You want them to attend your graduation with big grins (lol I failed at that twice- sorry everyone) or for them to be at your wedding and know you have settled down in life and know what you want. Our entire childhood is do well in exams and get a nice job and then you can get a nice house and raise a nice family and live a good life and the minute anything changes in that plan you feel like you have failed.
You have not failed. You are doing it for you. Make decisions that make you happy not somebody else happy. If somebody threatens to walk out of your life because of a decision you make let them (it will hurt but ultimately will save a lot of heartbreak too). Love yourself. Seek to make yourself proud of your achievements. Look at how far you have come and stop comparing yourself to others. You are amazing you are just yet to figure it out.
Do you and do it only for you. You have to live with yourself and your decisions forever whereas other people can come and go.
Take care and much love.