Small steps

Throughout our lives everybody has to take small steps to progress in life or even just keep on living.

Whether it be learning abc or 123, to walk, make friends, smile, how to change our hair colour or what makes a good phone. For most people these are all things we want to see people do but sometimes for one reason or another it isn’t possible.

For me I’ve found my mental health has messed with a lot of things. From not being able to get words out to forgetting simple life hacks to not understanding others emotions and the concept of friendship.

But it also massively messes with my work. Trying to focus on writing things about football every day of every week is unbelievably hard. Sticking to deadlines used to be my thing but now I need a string of reminders and a good kick up the backside to produce anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was supposed to go to Stamford Bridge to watch Chelsea play Palace meaning varying my content (I literally have to write for one different place everyday of the week) would be a bit easier. But I just couldn’t do it. I physically felt ill and weak but mentally I just couldn’t shake myself together to do the journey or sit there all professional and happy. So I didn’t go (big mistake football wise from me).

Today though I had the chance to go to Palace v Man City and whilst it scared me I knew I was on home ground and if I couldn’t do it today I never would be able to. So I put on that strong brave face people are used to seeing and went. I ended up being surrounded by men (I felt like I was in a new version of Where’s Wally) and whilst I felt comfortable I also felt like I didn’t belong (which I do – at least compared to the guy that asked if Scott Dann is a striker).

Loads of people say that at least I am able to maintain doing work commitments but I barely do. Going outside, seizing the moment, accepting new chances and being a civil/normal person is not just extremely challenging but tiring too.

I don’t just manage to do something and feel fresh as a daisy afterwards. I just feel tired, hungry, grouchy, proud of myself (because me leaving the house and doing something is so rare these days) and unable to think. Tomorrow will just be another day and whilst there is that hint of pride in me there will also be exhaustion, fear and confusion.

Each time I manage to complete a normal life or work thing I have to view it as a small step and an individual success. At the present I cannot combine those successes because they are outnumbered by the disappointments and failures but hopefully in time it will even itself out.

People keep telling me I am successful at journalism and in the media industry but I’m struggling to keep a hold of that but I know if I don’t I’ll be frozen out forever. That in itself is painfully stressful.

Please stop judging me on my CV and instead judge me for what I did today or whenever my next thing will be because ultimately I’m only as good as my last piece of writing, my last chat or the last meal I cooked. I may be a real life 3D human but at the minute I am stuck in my own very 2D world and I can’t be doing with being judged by others standards or against others.

Something may be small to you but it is big to me and that’s all that should matter if I matter to you.

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